My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
