Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
