drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
