I wanna bring you to show and tell
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
