mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
