apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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