I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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