So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize