The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
