the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I smell stomach acid.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
