I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize