My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
