1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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