I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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