In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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