I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
