More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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