I wish you could order shots online.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
