Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
