My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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