i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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