too bad you live with your parents still
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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