Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I supernannyed him into submission
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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