wrigley field is MILF paradise
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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