mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize