I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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