$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
