Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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