I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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