i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
