and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
