the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
