if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
