just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
