I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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