Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize