wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
