God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
