bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize