ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
