Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize