Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
