You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
