***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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