What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
