All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize