Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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