is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize