don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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