I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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