bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
