he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize