The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize