we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
