She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
