she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I had to cum in my sink.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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