WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
