wakey wakey hands off snakey
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And then my night got REAL pukey
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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