We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize